Trauma in the Church

In my last writing I shared about how 2020 pulled the rug out from under me in terms of my mental health and career path; this is a continuation of that journey and experience. With so much free time throughout 2020 thanks to the pandemic and from starting my own business, I’ve been able to focus on my mental health and really get to the root of some of my anxiety.

When someone has anxiety, it will sometimes manifest itself for no apparent reason, such as when their brain is not able to regulate itself and its chemicals properly. Other times, the anxiety will manifest itself when something triggers it, sometimes from things that most people would think should not be anxiety inducing. This learned anxiety is a defense mechanism meant to keep ourselves alive, much like learning that putting our hand on a stove will burn it, except that our mind is associating danger with something that isn’t necessarily dangerous.

For the past 4 or 5 years now, I’ve been working hard to dig deep into my mental health and anxieties that I’ve had for most of my life. I’ve not always been aware of or been able to identify my anxiety, but now that I’m aware of it, I can easily look back over my life and see everywhere it has been. I’ve been open about my anxiety in my writings before as well as some of the experiences that went on to shape that anxiety. Because of all of the mental health work I did throughout 2020, I’ve uncovered some of the roots of the anxieties and it’s time to dig them out.

Working through this process is not easy or fun, but I believe it’s necessary for me to be able to heal, grow, and escape from the anxieties I’ve held for so long. It’s especially not easy when some of the root of my anxiety are coming from my religious upbringing. In sharing these things I have been working through, my intention is in no way intended to be pointed towards people who have been part of my life but towards systems, ideologies, and beliefs. I know that people never intend for ideas being taught to cause someone anxiety; it’s quite possible that they have dealt with anxiety from those very same beliefs and have never been given the opportunity to address that in themselves. I also know that anyone’s intentions in teaching me the things that I learned growing up were good and looking to do what’s best for me.

With that in mind, I’m not looking to start a debate about things or to say “you’re wrong because XYZ reason.” but to share my experiences and how I have gotten to where I am today. I have spent countless hours over several years reading books, listening to podcasts, and studying church history and other Christian traditions to land where I am. Chances are, if you have a point of “but this verse says this about that,” I used to use and give that very same verse for that reason. That’s not to say “I’m right and you’re wrong,” but rather that I didn’t land where I am randomly or lightly. Let’s go back now to childhood Shane and take a look at some of his anxieties.

Overall, Child Shane was a bright kid. He was a bit quiet and could be shy around strangers, but he enjoyed his life. Not everything was all bright and sunshine, though. Shane lived with a constant fear of going to hell for all eternity, despite the fact that Shane was a very well behaved kid and had “given his heart to Jesus” about a million times to make sure it stuck. Child Shane often had nightmares in his sleep of being in the car with his family and everyone suddenly disappearing due to the rapture except for himself, the car careening off the road without a driver. It wasn’t as much that he thought he wasn’t trying doing his best or trying hard enough, but rather God’s baseline for being accepted just could not be reached or maintained. Yes, Jesus loved us so much that he came and died to save us from our sins, but after you were “saved,” you better be very careful to not slip up. He took “go and sin no more” very seriously and literally.

If Child Shane were to describe God truthfully from what he believed in his mind, he would describe God as an angry God who could never be appeased, and His anger was fully righteous and justified. He knew what the Bible said about the love of God, but it just didn’t make sense together in his mind and couldn’t coexist with God’s unmeasurable yet justified wrath. Child Shane just knew he was bound for hell and being tortured for all eternity, even if he didn’t know why. “Did I accidentally lie to someone today? Was I angry with somebody at any point? I KNOW I didn’t say a dirty word. I sure hope God will forgive sins that I may not be aware that I even did.” With a view like that of God and no hope but, it’s no wonder that Child Shane developed anxiety. To be filled with those thoughts for so long and not develop anxiety would be nearly impossible. No child should ever have to live with that.

Now, most Christians would not say they have a view of God like this if you were to ask them to describe Him. If you dig into what they actually believe or what their church or tradition teaches, though, it is easy to see how someone could end up in a place like Child Shane did. It can feel like two totally different personalities are being described for God. There’s a disconnect there, but pretty much nobody feels the need to address it. That’s because most people do not find themselves in a place of anxiety trying to understand how a God who loves me so much to die for me is the same person who commanded genocide without even a chance of them choosing to follow Him.

I spent all of my life secretly afraid of a God who hated everything about me and wanted nothing more than to torture me for all eternity. I did everything I could to not sin even repenting of sins I hadn’t committed and to check all of the boxes necessary to be a good Christian. Up until my senior year of high school, I have no real recollection of feeling the presence of God, let alone the love of God. During the spring of 2009 after a change in churches, I began to finally feel the presence and love of God, and yet most of the anxieties were still there. One day I would feel the immense love and acceptance of God, while the next I would feel I was surely destined for hell and couldn’t possibly be wanted by God. This back and forth game of emotional tug-o-war went on for years and didn’t really start to change until I had gotten far down the road of my mental health journey, which started about 5 years ago or so.

Since that journey started, I’ve not just learned about anxiety or mental health, but I’ve learned how to be much more patient with myself, to see worth in myself, and to actually love myself. As that happened I became more and more aware of that disconnect in the supposed multiple personalities of God and began really digging into it further. At the time I was working for a college ministry which exposed me to the beliefs and traditions of other branches of Christianity. I also spent much of my free time reading books and listening to podcasts that covered the historical context of scripture, the history of the church, and the timeline of the development of doctrines.

Now, I will preface this next section with the statement that this is not meant to be a theological thesis paper. If you want to know more information about these different views and traditions, I encourage you to get out there and do research as well. With how many books that are out there already, I’m going to try to not add another one to the mix. With that in mind, let’s take a look at some of the things I came across that began shifting me away from that place of anxiety of God.